NASFAT: “When Parenting Excels but Marriage Fails: Scholar Cautions Couples on Balancing Family Roles”

NASFAT: “When Parenting Excels but Marriage Fails: Scholar Cautions Couples on Balancing Family Roles”

By Zainab Tanimu, Kaduna, North West Nigeria

A thought-provoking discussion on the balance between marriage and parenting stirred deep reflection among members of NASFAT Kaduna during the maiden edition of its Membership Week celebration.

The central theme, “When Parenting Excels but Marriage Fails: Safeguarding Muslim Homes and Reviving Commitment in the Ummah,” explored a common but rarely addressed dilemma — whether a good mother can be a bad wife or a good father a bad husband.

Delivering the keynote lecture, Prof. Hauwa’u Evelyn Yusuf, Administrator of Kaduna State University, Kafanchan Campus, shed light on the emotional and spiritual gaps that often lead to this imbalance within Muslim homes.

“It is indeed possible for a woman to be a good mother yet a bad wife, and for a man to be a good father but a bad husband,” Prof. Hauwa explained. “This happens when affection and attention shift entirely to the children while companionship and communication between spouses fade away.”

She described the theme not merely as a topic of discussion but as a warning to Muslim couples to restore affection, understanding, and mutual respect in their marriages.

Citing Qur’anic injunctions and the examples of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (SAW), Prof. Hauwa reminded couples that tranquility, mercy, and kindness are the pillars of a successful marriage. She emphasised that being kind and gentle with one’s spouse is not optional but a divine obligation.

“The Prophet (SAW) was loving, patient, and compassionate with his wives. He never raised his voice at them. He also appreciated the support of his wife, Nana Khadijah (RA), who gave her wealth and love to the Prophet. So, my mothers, do not hide your blessings — support your home. And fathers, never abandon your responsibilities simply because your wives are financially stable,” she advised.

Prof. Hauwa, married for nearly four decades, also lamented that many modern homes suffer emotional neglect and poor communication. She noted that men often fear their wives’ success, while women sometimes withdraw emotionally from their husbands after childbirth.

“A man who rushes out every morning without praying for his wife is already failing in his role,” she said. “Similarly, a wife who transfers all her affection to her children while neglecting her husband weakens the family bond.”

She urged couples to revive companionship, consult one another in decision-making, and always offer emotional and spiritual support to each other.

“Forgive immediately you feel offended,” she cautioned. “Don’t procrastinate forgiveness. A home without companionship becomes a house of confusion — and that confusion eventually affects the children.”

Quoting Qur’anic verses on mercy and affection, she reminded the audience that when marriages fail despite good parenting, children suffer emotional confusion and lose clear role models.

“When parenting excels but marriages fail, the children are left in turmoil. They see love for them but hostility between parents — and that distorts their emotional growth,” she warned.

The lecture ended with prayers led by Acting Missioner Ustaz Abdulkareem Mustapha, who urged couples never to tire in seeking Allah’s guidance and blessings upon their homes.

Prof. Hauwa concluded by appealing to Islamic organisations to appoint God-fearing counsellors who can guide families facing marital strain, reminding all that a healthy Muslim home begins with mutual love, patience, and prayer.

During the event held at the mosque in NASFAT village, recognition was given to some active members of the society.